The first question that came to mind upon learning that the premiere of E!’s new show, “Star Dates,” would feature Butch Patrick was: Who the hell is Butch Patrick?
   Not surprisingly, his dates had the same question.
   The show’s appeal is simple: Third- (or fourth-, or tenth-) rate celebrities go on blind dates with ordinary civilians. Each week, announces Jordan Black, the host-chaperone-chauffeur, we get “one star, two dates, lookin’ for love.”
    It’s “Celebrity Boxing,” only more humiliating.
    But “Celebrity Boxing” had Paula Jones and Tonya Harding, hence a strong curiosity factor.
   “Star Dates” has Butch Patrick. For the record, he played Eddie Munster on “The Munsters” from 1964-66, and hasn’t done much of anything since. Calling Butch Patrick a star certainly stretches the boundaries of the word.
   At the beginning of the premiere episode, this Sunday at 10:30 p.m., we take a little time to get to know Butch, 49. He’s got girlfriends in New York and Atlanta, he says, but “I’m looking for someone to fill the emptiness.”
   Perhaps he should start concentrating on quality over quantity?
   Then we meet his considerably younger dates, who don’t know which celebrity they’re going out with until moments before meeting him.
   His first victim, Lisa Marie Bolick, is an antiques dealer. When Black hands her a photo of Patrick on “The Munsters,” a flicker of disappointment crosses her face. “It’s Herman Munster,” she says. “Eddie Munster,” corrects our host.
   Somehow, despite the two alleged girlfriends, Butch isn’t the smoothest guy. He’s been given a dossier on Lisa Marie, and chooses to begin with: “I understand you burp well.”
   She demonstrates. 
   He shows his own belching prowess. 
   Viewers everywhere immediately change the channel.
   He follows up that ice-breaker with the classic pickup line, “You resemble my sister a lot.” 
   Whew—if that doesn’t get a date hot and bothered, nothing will.
   Like “Blind Date,” they’re driven around to various locales, including the mandatory hot tub, which tends to reveal one’s true character. Lisa Marie shows herself to be a classy chick, grabbing her chest for the camera and cooing, “I’m a big girl.”
   In case we don’t grasp exactly what she’s getting at, Butch gushes, “She has incredible breasts,” then giggles like an imbecile.
   Unfortunately, we don’t hear her thoughts on his body. Suffice to say he also has incredible breasts.
   Though Lisa Marie insists she’s having a swell time, there’s never any discernable chemistry between them.
   Butch’s second attempt is with Eden Byrd, who describes herself as a “quirky little fun girl.”
   When told who her date is, she looks blank. When she meets him, she looks horrified. “My first impression,” she tells the camera, “was this is a joke.”
   Their date begins at a county fair, where Butch is signing glossy photos at a table for $10 apiece. The quirky little fun girl soon proves more quirky than fun. She’s terrified of going on a Ferris wheel and, as they pull into an Italian restaurant for dinner, declares Italian “the one food in the world I don’t eat.”
   Presumably, they won’t be going out again. Wondering why she got set up with Butch, Eden surmises, “Somebody hates me somewhere.” 
   Meanwhile, he manages to call her “a little loony,” “on another plane,” “kinda crazy,” and “out in left field”—all in a single sentence.
   The premiere episode is dreadful. What makes the syndicated “Blind Date” so much fun is the combination of preening daters and the harsh, mocking onscreen commentary. Plus, of course, there’s the actual possibility of sex on the first date, or at least some heavy petting in the Jacuzzi, satisfying the sleazy voyeur in all of us.
    Here, everything is played straight, so the show succeeds or fails on the appeal of the celeb. This week, that appeal is non-existent.
   Still, in any given week, “Star Dates” could certainly be amusing. Next week features Dustin Diamond, a.k.a. Screech on “Saved By the Bell.” Future celeb daters include Jill Whelan (Vicki on “The Love Boat”), Kim Fields (Tootie on “The Facts of Life”), Phyllis Diller and, of course, Gary Coleman.
    Gary Coleman in a hot tub. Now that’s entertainment.

December 13, 2002© 2002 Media Life

--Dan Jewel is a senior editor at Biography Magazine in New York and a frequent contributor to Media Life.

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