Providing what easily may have been the most boring awards show in memory, the 73rd Annual Academy Awards had much to criticize. From Steve Martin's tepid emcee performance to the utter lack of one real surprise the entire evening, there was little reason to tune out "The Sopranos" in favor of ABC.
    To recognize the true heinousness of this year's Oscars, allow me to introduce a new awards show that will accompany any televised awards show wretched enough to deserve it: The Wallys. 
  Finally, there's something to commemorate the lapses, low points and (unintentional) laugh-out-loud moments that are all too common on primetime's awards shows.
     Best Award Presentation: After a seemingly endless succession of technical awards won by one obscure name after another, comedian Mike Myers tried his best to inject some mock excitement into his reading for Best Sound Editing: "What's in this envelope is going to send shockwaves through this industry!" he declared.
    Worst Award Presentation: (otherwise known as the Farrah Fawcett Space Cadet Award): Goldie Hawn. Between presentations of a pair of awards, Hawn stared blankly into outer space for a good 30 seconds that ended with the pronouncement of "Oooh!"
   Then again, who could blame the woman for being distracted, considering her daughter Kate Hudson was up for an award (she lost).
   Best Outfit: Angelina Jolie. Any woman who can catch my eye wearing a manly white suit that looks as if it were stolen from Tom Wolfe is worthy of recognition.
 Best Trend in the Making: Thankless acceptance speeches. Classy doesn't begin to describe Best Director winner Steven Soderbergh's succinct address. After announcing that he preferred to thank all involved in private, he said a few words about the social importance of the arts and then got off the stage. 
   Hopefully everyone in Hollywood will now think twice before ticking off a list of names that mean nothing to the public at large instead of saying something of substance to millions of viewers.
   Worst Trend in the Making: Pencil-thin moustaches. Either California's rolling blackouts shorted a few Norelcos, or Tom Hanks, Danny DeVito and Bob Dylan actually meant to leave a minus sign under their noses.
     In his dark suit and sunglasses, DeVito looked like a midget version of the Blues Brothers.
   Sexiest Oscar Ads: Soft drink commercials. For some reason, both Coca-Cola and Pepsi saw fit to shill their cola with uncharacteristic carnality. 
   While Coke featured a spot about women's underwear, Pepsi premiered its collaboration with Britney Spears, whose cleavage and midriff were just as prominent at the MTV Awards. 
   As an added kicker, the Spears ad featured a cameo from Viagra poster boy Bob Dole, who looks on at Spears' dance number with his barking dog, whom he cautions, "Down, boy."
   Considering Pepsi used to leave the pitch chores to toothy moppet Hallie Eisenberg, one has to wonder why the consistently PG cola commercials are taking a turn for the sexy.
     What's next, Pamela Anderson replacing Sally Struthers in those ads for African charities? 
    Un-Sexiest Oscar Ads: ABC's own promos for its two new sitcoms beginning this week, "What About Joan?" and "Wife & Kids." 
    Could these series seem any more tame and lame?
     I give ABC until May before it ups "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" to seven nights a week while the rest of its primetime schedule goes south.
    And finally the evening's most prestigious award, the Andrew Wallenstein Honorarium: Julia Roberts.
    America's Sweetheart has been formally crowned now that she's won Best Actress for "Erin Brockovich." 
   Her acceptance speech was the cutest mental breakdown I've ever witnessed. What she blathered about I have no idea, but her admonishments to the "stick man"--the orchestra conductor hellbent on keeping her speech short---provided the Oscars only spontaneous moment.

-Andrew Wallenstein is the television critic for Media Life.

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