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McMahon's XBL brawlball
That's old, dull baseball with a few Vince twists
By Andrew Wallenstein
With the start of the major league baseball season, there's reason for worry. The ratings for pro sports are down across the board, and when the only recent innovation in athletic programming is the XFL, that spells trouble.
Months after kicking off his much-maligned football league, Vince McMahon still vouches for the long-term viability of the XFL.
But if by some miracle he manages to turn things around, can you imagine the future of sports TV?
In the spirit of this week's April Fool's Day, step into the time machine with me and visit baseball in 2002...
Tim McCarver: Hi everyone, I'm Tim McCarver in the UPN broadcast booth, along with my partner Hulk Hogan. Welcome to Opening Day of the brand new major league baseball.
Hulk Hogan: We're calling it "Basebrawl" now, Timmy! We've got a whole new sport in store for you.
McCarver: And how might you be qualified to be my color man?
Hogan: Hey, Jesse Ventura knows about as much about football as I do about baseball!
McCarver: Right, Hulk. Well, for fans out of the loop, here's an update. Vince McMahon has bought the entire league in the off-season and made some, ahem, minor alterations to the sport.
Hogan: The man's a genius, Timbo. Just look at what he did to shake up the XFL after NBC dumped it. He replaced the pigskin with a live grenade, replaced the players with female strippers and replaced the field with a giant vat of Jell-O.
McCarver: Then the XFL was picked up by the Oxygen network. It's averaging a .00004 rating.
Hogan: Of course, that would make it the highest-rated show in the network's history, Timborino!
McCarver: Just wait until you see what McMahon has done with baseball...er...I mean basebrawl. Today's matchup pits the Pittsburgh Pyromaniax against the Houston Asskickers.
Hogan: Of course, McMahon fired all the players from last year. Can't bother with those annoying salaries. Instead, he held a draft among third-world laborers willing to play for five cents a day.
McCarver: That was good news for the Pyromaniax new team owner, Kathie Lee Gifford. Now let's get down to the action. On the mound, Nike factory foreman Senzigar Pulayimar, straight from the baseball hotbed of Kuala Lumpur.
Hogan: This first pitch is going to be a doozy, Timberland! All rules are out the window, so you know the ball is going to be doctored.
McCarver: Pulayimar dunks the ball in battery acid and goes into the windup. Here's the pitch...a bit outside and...no, a called strike one from bikini-clad umpire Candy Kane. Is she blind, Hulk?
Hogan: Hey, Timbuktu! You don't need 20-20 when you're 36-24-32. Just wait for the Seventh Inning Strip.
McCarver: Indeed. And it must be hard for a pitcher to stay in the strike zone, when you're hopped up on amphetamines.
Hogan: League commissioner Darryl Strawberry has zero tolerance for sobriety in basebrawl!
McCarver: Next pitch on the way...and it's a hit! Ground ball down the left side, scooped up by the third baseman. He throws to first for the easy out and...ohmigod!
Hogan: Oh man! The first baseman dropped the throw when the batter clubbed him with his Louisville Slugger! See how these rule changes spice up the game?
McCarver: The runner rounds first, headed for second and he's dropkicked by the second baseman! He nearly took his head off, Hulk!
Hogan: All's fair in love and basebrawl. Now all they have to do is pin him for the out.
McCarver: That shouldn't be difficult considering he's bleeding profusely.
While we wait for the stretcher, here's a reminder to stay tuned to UPN after basebrawl for the new game show "Yes Pain, No Gain." It's the quiz show where a correct answer doesn't win you any money.
Hogan: Hell no, Timbulb! Vince isn't about to pay contestants. But wait til you see what happens when you answer incorrectly....
-Andrew Wallenstein is the television critic for Media Life.
April 6, 2001 © 2001 Media Life
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