Dear Rachel,
I work in the research department of a very big agency. My boss is a born-again Christian -- not preachy, but she takes her religion seriously. My dilemma: I'm single and pregnant. I'm fine with it -- excited, in fact -- but I have no intention of marrying the father. I'm not showing yet, but I know I have to talk to my department head soon about maternity leave, etc., and I'm a little nervous. I don't think she likes me much to begin with, and I fear she will write me off entirely over a personal issue. I also don't want any awkwardness about telling people at work. I realize there will be gossip, but I'd love to have a one-liner to nip any cattiness in the bud.--
Knocked Up in New York
Dear Knocked,
What others have to say is not the issue, nor are their opinions. Nor is what your boss might think or feel. It's not their baby.
What matters is how you feel and how determined you are to have this child and raise it. You are facing a potentially rough go of it as a single mother, as you must now realize, and the last thing you need to be worrying about is what people will say at work.
You do need to let management know, and sooner is better than later. You need to examine your agency's policies on pregnancy leave, which under law they must provide.
At some point, again sooner rather than later, you must tell your boss that you are pregnant and are intending to take pregnancy leave.
Leave it at that. If she presses, explain that it's a private matter and that you intend to keep it that way. You needn't explain to her about the father and whether you plan to marry him or anyone else.
If you don't think your boss likes you much now, you may assume she won't like you any more once you tell her.
But don't bet on it. You don't know the road she has traveled to become the person she is. Whatever her avowed beliefs, she's another human being first, and how she reacts will all depend on what that person is made of.
She could just as well embrace you and your pregnancy and work really hard to make these coming months a joy for you. You just don't know, so hold off on making any judgments.
At some point your co-workers will figure it out, and you can explain your decision to them as well, again briefly.
You will have no control over how they react, and your best course is to ignore the gossip and simply avoid talking about it. To properly fester, the office gossip mill needs to be fed, and if you don't talk about it, others will run out of things to say.
What you need at this point in your life is the love and understanding of your family and friends and their support for you in your decision to go it alone.
You can always find another job.
