'Kirstie Alley’s
Big Life,' empty calories
A&E series on the actress trying to lose pounds
By Tom Conroy
Mar 18, 2010
Many “celebreality” shows star people like Anna Nicole Smith and Paris Hilton, who are, as they say, famous for being famous.
Kirstie Alley’s new series is all about how she’s famous for being fat. Viewers who already know that will get almost nothing else out of the show, a low-energy affair that’s derivative when it isn’t being simply dull.
“Kirstie Alley’s Big Life,” premiering with two episodes on Sunday, March 21, at 10 p.m. on A&E, focuses on the actress’s efforts to get thinner in time for the launch of her own line of weight-loss products.
Alley, who has already exploited her fluctuations in size in the fictionalized 2005 series “Fat Actress” and as a spokesperson for another commercial weight-loss plan, says that she has gained back the pounds she lost a few years ago.
Following the celebreality template, Alley has a drab female assistant (Kelly) and a cute gay-acting male assistant (Kyle). Alley says in voice-over that she’s letting Kyle apprentice as her assistant, which sounds more like he was brought on to serve as a foil on this show. When she wants Kyle’s help, Alley tends to scream for no reason.
Alley’s partner in her weight-loss crusade is her handyman, whom she says she hired because she “just wanted someone fatter than me around the house.” In voice-over, she talks about how he would be the perfect guinea pig for the products. Again, one suspects a main character wouldn’t be here if the cameras weren’t.
Alley’s young son and daughter appear throughout and listen patiently to her constant obscenity-laden self-deprecation.
Though it’s been a long time since Alley starred in “Cheers” and “Veronica’s Closet,” her physical appearance still makes her a prime target for the paparazzi. “I can’t even go out with my kids anymore without the spawns of Satan coming out,” she says.
The big crisis in the first episode occurs after a photographer sneaks up to her fence and shoots her in her backyard lemur cage. The photo soon appears in the upper-left-hand corner of “The National Enquirer.”
Trying to console her, Kyle says, “You sell magazines!”
Alley is occasionally funny. Chasing after a cute little avatar while playing with Wii Fit, she screams, “I’m gonna cut you, b----!”
But most moments pass listlessly. A montage of interviews with potential personal trainers, which should have been reality-TV gold, contains not a single laugh-out-loud moment.
Maybe future episodes will provide some useful weight-loss information or at least some inspiring footage of setbacks and triumphs. Alley is at least honest about her own responsibility in her unhealthy state.
More likely, however, viewers will get more of the same. Those of us who waste any more time on this show are the biggest losers.
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