Dear readers,
Two Fridays ago I wrote a column with the headline "Rachel, someone's mother died," in which a reader asked what was appropriate behavior when someone at work lost a family member.

I should know by now to stick to issues directly related to work, but I ventured my opinion, and did I get a load of reactions from readers taking me to task.

So I'm taking this occasion to address the issue once again in hopes of better explaining my thoughts.

In that column, I summarized my beliefs about condolences this way: "My advice is to keep your expression of sympathy to a minimum."

I reasoned that a card was appropriate when there was a personal relationship that went beyond the office but advised against a group card. Any verbal condolences should be brief, I reasoned, along the lines of “I'm sorry for your loss."

I believe a death in the family is a very personal matter and should be treated as such. Call me old-fashioned if you like.

One reader wrote in response: "I respectfully disagree with your personal opinion stated today. As humans, let alone co-workers, compassion in times of death is part of the grieving/healing process. We all spend at least a third of our life at work. Therefore 'work' should respond compassionately. A note is never inappropriate."

Another reader wrote, "Not to acknowledge that a huge rite of passage has taken place in your coworker’s life would be weird."

This writer goes on to note that when her mother died 10 years ago, and she was still coming to terms with it all, she received a card from a co-worker she didn't know very well.

"He wrote a beautiful note inside saying he, too, had lost a parent. I will never forget that gesture of kindness -- it came from the heart because he’d been through the same situation."

I have to say I can see the points raised by both writers. Compassion is always appropriate, and the gestures of people we may not know very well are always touching.

The point I was making in the first column, and that I want to make again, is that each situation is different, and much depends on how close one is to the person who has lost a loved one.

What ultimately matters most is the feelings of the person who's suffered the loss. We need to respect those feelings.

The last thing you want is for someone going through that experience is to be subjected to a very public display of sympathy that he or she isn't ready for.

Besides, we don't need cards or a flurry of condolences to convey our feelings about the loss someone is suffering through. People are very adept at conveying their sympathies by their behavior.

In any case, we should be taking our cues from the person who has suffered the loss. If they're open to talking about it, then by all means offer your condolences. But if the person is still grieving, then maybe it's best not to saying anything. Let your actions convey your thoughts.