Rachel speaks!
Rachel, why are people so darn mean?
By Rachel
Jun 5, 2009 - 1:01:35 AM

Dear Rachel,
Part of me says I should keep my nose out of this but it just galls me to no end. There is this woman in our department who's definitely not with it. She wears odd clothing and she's socially inept but she's basically a nice woman. Yet people make terrible fun of her. It's possible she doesn't notice--she's rather clueless. But I think she does, and I can imagine it hurts terribly. I'm relatively new to this agency and happy to have a job, so I don't want to stir things up. But I feel I have to do something. Any advice?-- Feeling down

Dear Feeling,
I can sympathize. I can also understand why you want to avoid getting involved. There's a complicated dynamic to those situations, often built over years, and it's nearly impossible to change them. People become snug in their workplace roles.

But you can do something. Be nice to this woman.

Let's call her Jane. Without making a big deal of it, say hello to her in the morning and throughout the day show her the respect you think she deserves.

Maybe offer to get her coffee the next time you go out. Invite her to lunch at some point.

The idea is not to become her great friend but to set a standard of behavior for others.

As cynical as I can be, which is quite cynical indeed, I do believe people respond to decent behavior on the part of others.

You will not change the behavior of those in your department who are just cold mean to her. But you could very well change the behavior of those who have allowed themselves to join in on the cattiness but whose hearts are not really in it.

I assume many of them are just really well-meaning people who have fallen into making fun of Jane as a bad habit.

People can and do break bad habits. You can help them along.

You will get something out of this, beyond feeling good about the good you are doing.

You'll show leadership, and that will be noticed by your co-workers and your supervisors, even if they don't say anything.

Good luck. You've got the right instincts. Now go and act on them.

Do I think Jane will notice? Yes, I think she will, clueless though she may be.