Dear Rachel,
Someone in our department, a colleague, has lost her mother to cancer, and I am at a loss as to what to do. I know this is not the usual sort of question you respond to, but I thought you might help me out here. We are not close personal friends but we do go to lunch on occasion, and we get along quite well professionally. I fear coming off as too forward by saying too much, or worse, cold for not expressing my condolences properly.-- In a quandary in Maine

Dear Quandary,
I'm sure all the etiquette books have a lot to say on this matter. What I have to say is my personal opinion and should be taken as such.

I believe that there is generally too much familiarity in workplaces, where the line has become blurred between work life and one's private life. Workplaces are not families, though some managers like to think of them that way.

So you can guess where I'm coming from. My advice is to keep your expression of sympathy to a minimum.

I would not favor a group card. If the two of you are friends outside of work, I think a card would be appropriate.

Otherwise, the most appropriate gesture is a brief remark when she returns to work, along the lines of, “I'm sorry to hear about your mother."

She can then say, thank you.

End of conversation.

The loss of a parent is a deeply personal experience, and it's not something that people who have gone through care to talk about with anyone but their closest friends. The purpose of a brief statement of condolence is to acknowledge the death and move beyond it.

The worst thing you can do is to engage this person in a long conversation about her mother. It's totally unnecessary and you create an awkward situation for the both of you.

For a moment, put yourself in her shoes. She’s just lost her mother. She spent the past few days with family, grieving and reconnecting with relatives she hasn’t seen in years. She’s spent time going over the estate and the bills and all the things related to the funeral.

She’s likely emotionally drained. She wants to get back to work and she wants to move on.

You'd be better off saying nothing at all.