Dear Rachel,
I’m sure you’ve heard this before.  I work around an older man who seems to have a thing for me, and it makes me very uncomfortable. He’ll stop by my desk and begin massaging my shoulders. He calls me things like Sweet Pea and Baby Cakes. My sense is that he’s alone in life, without family, and wants to come across as a person to look up to among the junior people in our department. I’d like to get him to back off but don’t exactly know how. I worry that anything I do runs to risk of setting me up for trouble down the road. I think he’s vindictive. Your advice?-- So Not Baby Cakes

Dear So Not,
Yes, I’ve heard this all before, and many times. Things are certainly better since the women’s movement, but such behavior is still far too common in the American workplace.

You could go to management but I think you are better off handling it yourself.

Management doesn’t like dealing with issues like this any more than you do, for one, and inevitably it becomes a much bigger deal than it needs to be. I would go to management if his advances were in fact openly sexual and aggressive, but that’s not the case here.

More to the point, though, you are going to run across similar sticky situations throughout your career, so it makes sense early on to learn how to deal with them effectively and ideally early, before they become patterns.

In too many cases, trouble comes about because the victim held off too long and thus allowed the offending party to assume he was on safe ground.

Let me be very clear here, I  am not in any way blaming the victim in such cases, only suggesting that quick action is always the best approach.

What you are dealing with here is a man-boy who never learned the proper boundaries for the workplace.

Does he have lust in his heart? Is he just kidding around, trying to be one of the group? Who knows and who cares.

What you need to do is to begin blocking him at every point where he crosses the threshold into your comfort zone.

Think of them as small blocks.

If he puts his hand on your shoulder, promptly brush it off and say, “Please don’t do that.”

Then turn back to your work or redirect the conversation back to the subject at hand as if nothing had been said.

If he calls you Baby Cakes, respond by saying, “My name is Jane or (Cathy or whatever it is). Call me by my name, please.”

Again, turn back to your work or redirect the conversation back to the subject at hand.

He’ll get the point. I can safely say he’s most likely been put in his place many, many times by women before you. He’ll get the message, even if he doesn’t appear to.

Keep this up until his behavior changes.

The one thing you don’t want is to have a big blowup. That’s where you risk repercussions. It only makes sense. If you humiliate him in front of others, he will be angry and resentful.

Besides, why bother? It’s not worth your time or energy, and the small blocking actions will get the job done.