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There's just something about New Jersey and literature, going forward in time from when Walt Whitman wrote there, forward to Springsteen ("Just wrap your legs round these velvet rims/ And strap your hands across my engines") past the neon sign that says "Trenton Makes, The World Takes" (author S. Roy Heath), past Newark, that "City of Headlights, City of Broken Dreams" (author unknown), to Garrison Spik's "'Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J.'"
It was Spik's Piscataway reference, though seemingly a toss-away, that may well have turned the contest in his favor. It could have been a cheap shot. It was not. Spik chose to underplay it, wisely, laying it ever so gently, like a sleeping kitten, at the end of his entry to do its work.
Here is the whole entry: "Theirs was a New York love, a checkered taxi ride burning rubber, and like the city their passion was open 24/7, steam rising from their bodies like slick streets exhaling warm, moist, white breath through manhole covers stamped 'Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J.' "
Dreadful prose, of course, but then that's the whole point. Spik is this year's winner of the 26th annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest in which bad writers are invited to submit their very worst first sentences to novels the world hopes will never be written. The prize: $250.
The contest celebrates the memory of Victorian novelist Edward Bulwer-Lytton, whose unfortunate footnote in history is as the author of among the worst opening lines for a novel ever written: "It was a dark and stormy night."
The full sentence reads: "It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness."
But we digress.
The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest was founded by an English professor at San Jose State, Scott Rice, in 1982 to celebrate the best of the worst in bad writing, and named for the best known of the worst of its artisans. It appreciates the fact that to write really badly, versus truly poorly, one must in fact be a very good writer, appreciating, as Spik has, the sheer literary wonderfulness of seemingly inconsequential phrases like "Forged by DeLaney Bros., Piscataway, N.J.' "
What follows are this year's other winners.
The runner-up entry reads:
"'Hmm . . .' thought Abigail as she gazed languidly from the veranda past the bright white patio to the cerulean sea beyond, where dolphins played and seagulls sang, where splashing surf sounded like the tintinnabulation of a thousand tiny bells, where great gray whales bellowed and the sunlight sparkled off the myriad of sequins on the flyfish's bow ties, "time to get my meds checked."
The winner in the adventure category reads:
"Leopold looked up at the arrow piercing the skin of the dirigible with a sort of wondrous dismay -- the wheezy shriek was just the sort of sound he always imagined a baby moose being beaten with a pair of accordions might make.
The winner in children's literature reads:
"Joanne watched her fellow passengers -- a wizened man reading about alchemy; an oversized bearded man-child; a haunted, bespectacled young man with a scar; and a gaggle of private school children who chatted ceaselessly about Latin and flying around the hockey pitch and the two-faced teacher who they thought was a witch -- there was a story here, she decided."
The winner in the detective category:
"Mike Hummer had been a private detective so long he could remember Preparation A, his hair reminded everyone of a rat who'd bitten into an electrical cord, but he could still run faster than greased owl snot when he was on a bad guy's trail, and they said his friskings were a lot like getting a vasectomy at Sears."
The winner in fantasy fiction:
"'Toads of glory, slugs of joy,' sang Groin the dwarf as he trotted jovially down the path before a great dragon ate him because the author knew that this story was a train wreck after he typed the first few words."
The winner in historical fiction:
"As she watched the small form swing backwards and forth from the crystal chandelier -- hands on hips, sniffing the air and squeaking inaudibly -- it suddenly became clear to Madame de Pompomme that she had done the wrong thing asking Jacques to find and bring back her long-lost sister: for, whilst her coterie would doubtless be enchanted for a short while, the novelty of Janine having been raised by bats since the age of two in caves of the North-west Congo would soon wear off in seventeenth-century France."
The winner in the romance category:
"Bill swore the affair had ended, but Louise knew he was lying, after discovering Tupperware containers under the seat of his car, which were not the off-brand containers that she bought to save money, but authentic, burpable, lidded Tupperware; and she knew he would see that woman again, because unlike the flimsy, fake containers that should always be recycled responsibly, real Tupperware must be returned to its rightful owner."
The winner in science fiction:
"Timothy Hanson, Commander of the 43rd Space Regiment in the 52nd Battalion on board the USAOPAC (United Space Alliance Of Planets Attack Carrier) and second in command to Admiral L. R. Morris of the USAOP Space Command, awoke early for breakfast."
The winner in the spy category:
"Special agent Mark Park's strong chin and firm mouth showed that he was a man to be reckoned with, while his twinkling blue eyes revealed surprising depths of kindness and humor, the scar on his cheek a past filled with violence and danger, and his left ear a fondness for M and Ms, but only the red ones."
The winner in Western fiction:
"Nobody knew just who the steely-eyed stranger was, where he came from, where he was headed, or what his intentions were while he was in Dodge City; but he wasn't an hombre you'd want to stick your tongue out at or flip off, and any man who tried to tickle him would be asking for a long stay in a pine box, if you know what I mean."
***
Meanwhile, elsewhere in popcult, the new Ben Stiller comedy “Tropic Thunder” finished No. 1 at the box office over the weekend, bringing in $26.0 million. “The Dark Knight” fell to No. 2 after four weeks on top, although it brought in another $16.8 million and upped its total haul to $471.5 million, good for No. 2 all-time behind “Titanic.”
In DVD rentals for the week ended Aug. 10, according to IMDb.com, “Nim’s Island” was No. 1 in its first week in release, pushing last week’s No. 1, “21,” to No. 2.
On iTunes this morning, David Archuleta’s “Crush” was No. 1, followed by “Change” by Taylor Swift.
And in books, “Acheron” by Sherrilyn Kenyon debuted at No. 1 on The New York Times’ hardcover fiction best-sellers list for the week ended Aug. 9, and at No. 7 on USA Today’s book chart for the week ended Aug. 10.
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TOP MOVIES
Weekend Box Office Estimates
Weekend of Aug. 15-17, 2008
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Rank
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MOVIE
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Engagements
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Box office (millions)
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|
1
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Tropic Thunder (DreamWorks)
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3,319
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$26.00
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2
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The Dark Knight (Warner Bros.)
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3,590
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$16.79
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|
3
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Star Wars: The Clone Wars (Warner Bros.)
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3,452
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$15.51
|
|
4
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Mirrors (Fox)
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2,664
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$11.13
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|
5
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Pineapple Express (Sony)
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3,072
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$10.00
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6
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The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (Universal)
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3,363
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$8.61
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7
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Mamma Mia! (Universal)
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2,771
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$6.50
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8
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The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (Warner Bros.)
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2,714
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$5.93
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9
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Step Brothers (Sony)
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2,648
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$5.00
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10
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Vicky Cristina Barcelona (Weinstein)
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692
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$3.71
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Source: Yahoo Movies
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IMDb TOP DVD RENTALS
Week ending August 10, 2008
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|
Rank
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TITLE
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Last week
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|
1
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Nim’s
Island
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-
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2
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21
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1
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3
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Harold & Kumar Escape from
Guantanamo
Bay
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2
|
|
4
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The Bank Job
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3
|
|
5
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Doomsday
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4
|
|
6
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Never Back Down
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6
|
|
7
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Vantage Point
|
5
|
|
8
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College Road Trip
|
7
|
|
9
|
Step Up 2: The Streets
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8
|
|
10
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Lost Boys: The Tribe
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11
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|
Source: IMDB
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ITUNES TOP 8 SONG DOWNLOADS
for week ended Monday, Aug. 18, 2008
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Rank
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TITLE
|
|
1
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Crush, David Archuleta
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|
2
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Change, Taylor Swift
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|
3
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Disturbia, Rihanna
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|
4
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Dreamer, Chris Brown
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|
5
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Paper Planes, M.I.A.
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6
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American Boy, Estelle feat. Kanye West
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|
7
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Viva la Vida, Coldplay
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8
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Burnin’ Up, Jonas Brothers
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|
Source: iTunes
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NEW YORK
TIMES BESTSELLING BOOKS
Week ending August 9, 2008
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|
Fiction (hardback)
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|
Rank
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TITLE
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Last week
|
Weeks on chart
|
|
1
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Acheron by Sherrilyn Kenyon
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-
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1
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2
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The Bourne Sanction by Eric Van Lustbader
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2
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2
|
|
3
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The
Guernsey Literacy and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
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5
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2
|
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4
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Moscow
Rules by Daniel Silva
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1
|
3
|
|
5
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The Host by Stephanie Meyer
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3
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14
|
|
Nonfiction (hardback)
|
|
1
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The Obama Nation by Jerome R. Corsi
|
1
|
2
|
|
2
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Stori Telling by Tori Spelling with Hilary Liftin
|
3
|
11
|
|
3
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The Way of the World by Ron Suskin
|
-
|
1
|
|
4
|
When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris
|
2
|
10
|
|
5
|
The Case Against Barack Obama by David Freddoso
|
-
|
1
|
|
Fiction (paperback)
|
|
1
|
The Shack by William P. Young
|
1
|
12
|
|
2
|
Barefoot by Elin Hilderbrand
|
2
|
9
|
|
3
|
Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen
|
3
|
49
|
|
4
|
The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho
|
5
|
48
|
|
5
|
The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini
|
4
|
49
|
|
Nonfiction (paperback)
|
|
1
|
Three Cups of Tea by Greg Mortenson and David Oliver Relin
|
1
|
80
|
|
2
|
Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
|
2
|
81
|
|
3
|
A Long Way Gone by Ishmael Beah
|
-
|
1
|
|
4
|
The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama
|
3
|
33
|
|
5
|
Big Russ and Me by Tim Russert
|
4
|
16
|
|
Source: New York Times
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USA
TODAY BESTSELLING BOOKS
Week ending August 20, 2008
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|
Rank
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TITLE
|
Last week
|
|
1
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Breaking Dawn by Stephanie Meyer
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1
|
|
2
|
Twilight by Stephanie Meyer
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3
|
|
3
|
The Last Lecture by Randy Rausch and Jeffrey Zazlow
|
2
|
|
4
|
New Moon by Stephanie Meyer
|
4
|
|
5
|
Eclipse by Stephanie Meyer
|
5
|
|
6
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The Shack by William P. Young
|
6
|
|
7
|
Acheron by Sherrilyn Kenyon
|
-
|
|
8
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Playing For Pizza by John Grisham
|
7
|
|
9
|
Left to Die by Lisa Jackson
|
9
|
|
10
|
You’ve Been Warned by James Patterson and Howard Roughan
|
12
|
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Source:
USA Today
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